Achille insisted on following me home from school again today. I know what he wants. It’s the same thing mom wants. To marry. This is my last year of school. I have to pick a life path. I don’t understand adults sometimes. They tell me I have to decide right now what I want to do for the rest of my life. And there’s no turning back. It’s not like I can choose to be a farmer and ten years down the line decide I want to sculpt instead. No. I have to decide now. Without knowing anything about my options. Without even knowing anything about myself. I must decide.
Achille wants me to decide on motherhood. Mom wants grandkids. And what does Dad want? Who knows? I really don’t think he cares. He wanted a boy, that’s what he wants. He barely acknowledges me. It’s because he knows Mom’s willpower. He knows the school’s willpower. Face it. There is one set path for me.
But what if I don’t want that? What if I don’t want to be the wife of a farmer? What if I want more than that? Surely I was destined for more. My father is Captain Peder of Zeus. His name brings honor. I want that. Why can’t I have that? I don’t want to just be Jocasta of Zeus. Nobody knows that name. Nobody cares about that name. I want to be more.
Maybe I just want him to look at me. I want him to see me. I want him to be happy again. To know that I am his and I bring honor to him. Isn’t that better than being somebody’s wife? Somebody who may be perfect according to everyone else. But not to me. I want more!
Maybe life is easy. Maybe the adults have a point. Maybe, when the time comes to make a decision, it’s simple. Because there is only one option that doesn’t make me want to end it all. There is only one option that motivates me. I want to honor my father. I want to make him proud. I want him to stop regretting my gender.
So I decided it today. I will not marry Achille. I will not be a farmer’s wife, or an artist’s wife, or even a doctor’s wife. I will not live in this same town and talk to the same people I grew up knowing. I will go for more. I will say goodbye. Actually, I will say good riddance. If I want it all, I have to give it all up. Isn’t that right?
I’m leaving tonight. I don’t think I need to pack anything. But I am going to be Jocasta of Zeus , great solider in the Zeus army. I will fight for my country. I will probably die for Zeus. But, I will bring honor to my family. I will bring honor to my father. I will be more. And I will be great.
Read more about Jocasta here.